Spring is a Heart Breaker

Now that you’re gone I know I’m seeing everything through rose colored glasses, but you are everywhere.

In your eulogy I alluded to you being a sensory experience and as we slowly start to turn the page from a dreary Massachusetts’ winter into a wet Massachusetts’ spring, there’s new reminders of your absence at the bottom of each slushy pile of snow.

Springtime is supposed to be about cute baby animals and rapture at the sight of crocuses and daffodils, but right now the change of seasons is just reminding me of all the ways that I miss your presence.

Your grill command station sitting vacant on the deck reminds me I will never have the pleasure of waiting impatiently over an hour for a summer dinner that was supposed to be done “in 10 minutes”.

Your tools & yard stuff are strewn about the shed. Although you were giving me grass tending boot camp last year, I worry that I will just destroy the sod that you and I spent back breaking days last spring planting.

Daylight savings is usually my favorite holiday (yes I view it as a holiday-leave me alone), but this year I’m already missing your texts about gorgeous sunsets over the water or better yet, the sight of you standing on the deck taking in the view.

Hydrangeas are my favorite. You were planning to prune and prep them over the winter, but died before you got the chance. I hope they still bloom as big and beautiful.

It’s only recently that I realized that you had a childlike excitement over life’s simple things -spring peepers, the change of air a summer thunderstorm brings, the sound of baseball on the radio. I live for savoring the small things too, but right now they just move me to tears.

I know someday that I will love all those things harder because you loved them too.

However for now, each muddy sign of spring reminds me of the hole in my heart. I never thought spring could remind me so much of dead things.